narcick

Will you be there if I fall apart?

I may be breaking bit by bit, drip by drip. I cry all the time. As soon as I’m alone, I cry. I cry, and I can’t stop. Tears are burning in my eyes, corroding on my cheeks.

But the rest of my life doesn’t see them. To them, I’m completely dry.

I may be losing my senses. Sometimes I sit for hours in front of the mirror and staring back at me is a monster. Not like, I think I’m ugly, but a real, enormous monster-face. And I can’t move because I’m so terrified.

My subconscious is now everywhere on the surface, out in the open. I hear all sorts of me yelling at me, throwing their fists on me.

I may be forgetting how to love somebody. All those people who know me, love me, care about me, regardlessely. I can’t say that I feel for them no more. They’re all a blur for me, nothing of substance or importance. It’s shameful, I know. But I’m being honest.

I may be fading in beauty.  I forget to color my hair all the time. My nails aren’t polished, they’re dirty. My skinny body is full of layers of fat. I don’t smell like new washed laundry anymore, I smell of nothing. I’ve faded into ugliness.

I may be distance to you. I may treat you like shit. I may think of you as nothing at all. I may make fun of you in front of people, and laugh at you in your face and not in a funny way. I may forget that you even exist. I may shut off my phone, lock my door and listen to you all night trying to get in, trying to reach me. I may say the worst things that someone ever said to another human being.  I may fight you off and hit you in the face when you’re desperately trying to hold me. I may say nothing at all for a week when we’re together. I may hate you.

But still.

Will you be there when I fall apart?"